I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
