Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
