Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
