Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
