Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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