you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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