I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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