I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
