Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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