saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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