i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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