i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
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haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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