I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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