opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
