How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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