Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
