ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
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Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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