its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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