the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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