i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
