K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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