Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
