Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
