I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
