Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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