i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
