He uses pillows to masturbate.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
