We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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