I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
