if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
