I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
