Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
