you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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