Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
