i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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