i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
