dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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