FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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