This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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