The brown eye won't let me do that either.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You pole danced in your parka.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
