I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
In other news, I just burned my penis
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
