i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
