you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
a search helicopter?!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
