Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
