I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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