im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
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Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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