On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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