i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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