Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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