I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
