His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I did not marry a roomba.
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