I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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