Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
