As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
