so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
