Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
