Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How does one acquire holy water?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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