I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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