I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
