Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
